Intrusive Thoughts: My Commute

DayOfLight***Trigger warning: If you are feeling fragile or struggling, this post might be triggering.  I talk about intrusive thoughts. ***

My intrusive thoughts mainly centered around driving. For most people who live in major metropolitan areas, my commute is not that long. I drive forty-five minutes one way to work. I take a more direct route which bypasses the rush hour traffic. My commute leaves some colleagues shaking their head in disbelief especially when my girls were infants and toddlers.

Now I enjoy my commute. It is a way to decompress from the work day, and I can transition back to wife and mom. I listen to podcasts, music, or talk to family and friends. This time of year is stunning with the leaves turning shades of red, orange and yellow.

When I was struggling with postpartum anxiety, my commute was hell. Images of jerking my steering wheel into the oncoming lane of traffic flashed before my eyes. I drive on a two lane county highway for the majority of my commute. It’s frequented by lots of semis. I would picture my car flattened like a pancake. I would see twisted metal all around me. All I saw was destruction. These images were stuck on a nonstop loop in my head. I would arrive at work, slick with sweat. This went on for months. I finally tearfully confessed these thoughts out loud. When I said those thoughts out loud, I felt a sense of relief.

Today I’m reclaiming my commute as my way to commune with nature, to ground myself and to shine a light on my darkest days. The solution as some suggested was not to move closer to work. I adore our home, our community and our school. My choice is to reframe my commute. I kmpw that these thoughts are just thoughts. My thoughts do not mean that I will act on them. I’m not whispering about these thoughts anymore. I’m done hiding.  Intrusive thoughts lose their power and strength when we talk about them out loud.

About tranquilamama

Juggling parenthood, housework and working outside the home in the corporate world with my wonderful husband. Mom to 2 beautiful girls. PPD and PPA survivor. The title of my blog is after a phrase that was repeated to me in Spain during my semester abroad in college. It roughly translates to relax and calm down. Trying to tame my inner perfectionist and just be a good enough mom.
This entry was posted in postpartum depression and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Intrusive Thoughts: My Commute

  1. Lance says:

    Get out of my head

    My commune and my workout are where these thoughts cage match in my psyche.

    • That is exactly why I run Lance. My anxiety spiked a bit after I was sidelined with runners knee. So I found Body Combat where you basically punch and kick an unseen enemy. Best therapy ever.

  2. alexandra says:

    So true. That’s why I walk an hour every day. Because all the stress, all the adrenaline, I have to work it out somehow.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s