For me, depression does not manifest itself in sadness. My postpartum depression manifested itself as postpartum rage. I felt the weight of the depression like lead that threatened to suffocate me with a lack of energy. Any energy that I had was exerted in fits of rage. I felt like a monster who could not control her emotions at all.
Anything would set me off – dishes not being done, someone driving too slow, my baby wanting to play instead of nap, my three year old for needing me to lay down with her until she fell asleep. The rage ate at my spirit, threatening to destroy all my relationships in its wake. My husband took the brunt of my wrath. It is my single biggest regret from those months that I struggled. He is the love of my life, and he is my best friend. When I think of the burden he had to endure in silence, my heart aches. I am so grateful for the unwavering support and unconditional love he showed me. Even as I despaired that he would run for the hills once I started treatment and got a diagnosis, he reminded me that we took vows “in sickness and in health”.
Today on this #DayOfLight, I am sending out a message of hope to anyone who is struggling. You will get better. You are not alone. Never give up hope.