Just a Bump

***Trigger warning****I talk about my intrusive thoughts.

I had high hopes for September.  I was going to blog about my oldest going to kindergarten, and I have nine posts in draft that I wanted to polish up.  Instead I said goodbye to a beloved family member, my green machine.  I bought my first car three months after my husband and I started dating in January of 2001.  My trusty Saturn SL2 sedan was twelve years old, and it had 222, 175 miles on it.  Yes, I had planned on driving this car into the ground.  A new car while I had two kids in daycare full-time? Forget about it.

I had taken two days off of work to send my oldest off to kindergarten and attend a Mumford and Sons concert.  It was a gorgeous day, and I was singing  along when it happened.  I got into a car accident a mile from work.  I was traveling southbound, and the other car was traveling northbound.  That car was about to make a left turn when I realized I was going to hit him.  I swerved to the left to avoid a head on collision.  It is the most terrifying thing to see a car coming up to you when you are driving at higher speeds.  Thankfully it was only the other driver and I.  Even though I rode in the ambulance to the ER, neither the driver of the other car or I were seriously injured.  I suffered minor bruises and some minor first degree burns on my upper abdomen from the airbags being deployed.  My car absorbed all the impact in the front.

I was in complete and total shock.  I started taking my anxiety medication every day after the accident.  As I discussed before, I suffered from intrusive thoughts, particularly car accidents during my struggle with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.  Those thoughts came back into my mind like a tidal wave.  All I could hear echoing in my head was “you’re so lucky”.  Everyone told me that.  I realized that it could have been so much worse.  I was physically fine.  I ran a 5K the day after the accident.  Mentally and emotionally, I was not okay.  I felt like I had willed this to happen.  I felt like this was all my fault. 

I reached out.  I saw my psychiatrist and asked for a refill of my anti-anxiety medication.  I took that daily to help me relax for the first week after the accident.  I got in to see my therapist a week after the accident.  I talked and vented to my family and my friends.  I asked for help.  This time it was different.  I knew my signs.  I knew my triggers.  In fact, I swerved out-of-the-way to avoid a head on collision.  In my intrusive thought scenarios, I would deliberately swerve into oncoming traffic.  I made choices that day that saved myself.  I am a survivor, and I will get through this bump.  I know this deep within my soul that I am NOT my thoughts.  For all mamas who are currently struggling with these same type of thoughts, you are NOT your thoughts.  Anxiety and depression tell you lies.

I am giving a list of resources for anyone who is struggling right now.

I would encourage anyone who has self-harmed or other-harmed to get help immediately. Please call the crisis line at 1-800-273-TALK(8255).

http://www.postpartum.net/ – This is the website of Postpartum Support International. 

http://postpartumprogress.com/ – Katherine Stone writes one of the most widely read blogs about postpartum mood disorders.

 

About tranquilamama

Juggling parenthood, housework and working outside the home in the corporate world with my wonderful husband. Mom to 2 beautiful girls. PPD and PPA survivor. The title of my blog is after a phrase that was repeated to me in Spain during my semester abroad in college. It roughly translates to relax and calm down. Trying to tame my inner perfectionist and just be a good enough mom.
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4 Responses to Just a Bump

  1. So glad to hear you are ok. One step at a time. Good for you for recognizing your triggers.

  2. yes darlin’ yes. you are more than your thoughts. you are a full being whose life radiates with love and hope. I see you, all of you, and I will stay here whispering in your ear, you are brave, not lucky. you made a deliberate choice to act in a moment of terrifying and often paralyzing clarity. so glad you have reached out. so glad you are speaking your truth instead of letting the murk and shadows tell you who you are. brave, loved woman… so glad you’re here.

    • Tara, my lovely friend, your words made me cry. Thank you for standing next to me, whispering to me my truth. So glad I met you. Your words helped lift me up and sustain me yesterday and today. xoxo

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