Jess from Makeunder My Life wrote a post called Things I’m Afraid to Tell You. EZ of Creature Comforts took the idea and ran with it (including designing the image you see above). The Huffington Post thought it was such a good idea they published a piece about it.
Now Lisa from joycreation is keeping it alive. I decided to take the plunge and join some other wonderful bloggers in this movement. I have blogged a lot about my struggle with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Now it is my turn to come clean about my other worries and fears. I’m taking a deep breath and hitting publish.
I have a horrible temper. I haven’t blogged about my postpartum rage, but it was awful. I spent years curbing my temper only to have it explode like a volcano after Skeeter’s birth. I would get upset at my husband for the most ridiculous things like not emptying the diaper genie or not leaving out the vitamins and toothbrush for Munch.
I am petrified of losing my job. I was put on a performance plan at another company. It was completely out of the blue and unexpected. It turned out to be the impetus for me leaving that company and finding my current company. I am four weeks into my new position, and I feel like a farce. I cannot believe that I was hired for this position. I feel like someone is going to come up and snatch this new job from me. I feel like I will never be able to measure up and be confident in my decisions. I feel like I will always second guess myself professionally.
I live in fear of ending up penniless and unable to support myself. I always feel like I am one paycheck away from poverty. I know that this is not the case. I feel like I am drowning because I feel like my money controls me. I do not control my finances. I gripe about balancing the checkbook, but I am reluctant to hand that responsibility over to my husband. We have discussed that this would lower my anxiety, but I still continue to pay the bills and manage the checkbook. It makes me anxious, but I cannot give up the control or perceived control of the finances.
I have recovered from PPD and PPA, but I still suffer from anxiety. This time around my generalized anxiety disorder is much more debilitating than it was in the past. It affects my moods, my energy level and my stomach. Cue the flare up of my colitis and my insomnia. I think that part of this is related to new job stress, weaning and needing some major home repairs. I am afraid to tell my doctor that I need help and that I am not doing as well as I was. I am afraid to say that this anxiety is kicking my ass and tearing up my insides along with it. I am afraid to admit that I am not sleeping well and that I am working up in the middle of the night. I am afraid that this is not as my friend Susan says, “acute and temporary”. What if I am like this always? What if my girls suffer from this too? I am afraid that I have damaged my oldest from my struggle with PPD and PPA because she shows signs of being anxious. I am afraid that I have only perpetuated this cycle of anxiety instead of breaking free from it.