Things I Am Afraid To Tell You

Jess from Makeunder My Life wrote a post called Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.  EZ of Creature Comforts took the idea and ran with it (including designing the image you see above).  The Huffington Post thought it was such a good idea they published a piece about it.

Now Lisa from joycreation is keeping it alive.  I decided to take the plunge and join some other wonderful bloggers in this movement.  I have blogged a lot about my struggle with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.  Now it is my turn to come clean about my other worries and fears.  I’m taking a deep breath and hitting publish. 

I have a horrible temper.  I haven’t blogged about my postpartum rage, but it was awful.  I spent years curbing my temper only to have it explode like a volcano after Skeeter’s birth.  I would get upset at my husband for the most ridiculous things like not emptying the diaper genie or not leaving out the vitamins and toothbrush for Munch.

I am petrified of losing my job.  I was put on a performance plan at another company.  It was completely out of the blue and unexpected.  It turned out to be the impetus for me leaving that company and finding my current company.  I am four weeks into my new position, and I feel like a farce.  I cannot believe that I was hired for this position.  I feel like someone is going to come up and snatch this new job from me.  I feel like I will never be able to measure up and be confident in my decisions.  I feel like I will always second guess myself professionally. 

I live in fear of ending up penniless and unable to support myself.  I always feel like I am one paycheck away from poverty.  I know that this is not the case.  I feel like I am drowning because I feel like my money controls me.  I do not control my finances.  I gripe about balancing the checkbook, but I am reluctant to hand that responsibility over to my husband.  We have discussed that this would lower my anxiety, but I still continue to pay the bills and manage the checkbook.  It makes me anxious, but I cannot give up the control or perceived control of the finances.

I have recovered from PPD and PPA, but I still suffer from anxiety.  This time around my generalized anxiety disorder is much more debilitating than it was in the past.  It affects my moods, my energy level and my stomach.  Cue the flare up of my colitis and my insomnia.  I think that part of this is related to new job stress, weaning and needing some major home repairs.  I am afraid to tell my doctor that I need help and that I am not doing as well as I was.  I am afraid to say that this anxiety is kicking my ass and tearing up my insides along with it.  I am afraid to admit that I am not sleeping well and that I am working up in the middle of the night.  I am afraid that this is not as my friend Susan says, “acute and temporary”.  What if I am like this always?  What if my girls suffer from this too?  I am afraid that I have damaged my oldest from my struggle with PPD and PPA because she shows signs of being anxious.  I am afraid that I have only perpetuated this cycle of anxiety instead of breaking free from it.

About tranquilamama

Juggling parenthood, housework and working outside the home in the corporate world with my wonderful husband. Mom to 2 beautiful girls. PPD and PPA survivor. The title of my blog is after a phrase that was repeated to me in Spain during my semester abroad in college. It roughly translates to relax and calm down. Trying to tame my inner perfectionist and just be a good enough mom.
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11 Responses to Things I Am Afraid To Tell You

  1. Pingback: Things I’m Afraid To Tell You | Made More Beautiful

  2. Hugs to you sweetie. I’m sure that you were hired for this job because of your stellar performance and abilities. You are a competent, capable, dedicated worker. New jobs always have a learning curve, and I hope that you’ll begin to feel confidence in your new role soon.

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re having anxiety. Know that we’re all here for you if you need us. xo

    • Thank you for the vote of confidence Kristin. I really needed to hear that. I just get so frustrated with myself that I cannot accelerate the learning curve. The anxiety is just temporary. That is what I keep telling myself. Since I met with my doctor, my anxiety has lessened a bit. That and blogging have helped me work through it.

  3. Oh my friend. I know. I worry too. Right now I’m caught in the horrible hurricane of wondering if I’m going to have to live with this forever and trying to figure out how much I’ve damaged my son because of it. It’s so awful. And as for the temper, I’m right there with you.

    • Huge hugs to you my friend. Holding your hand as we navigate our way through the muck. Because we’ve experienced this, we have the tools and coping strategies to help our children. I am working on the temper. Hoping to get back into my exercise routine again; that helps minimize the outbursts.

  4. Robbie says:

    I can relate to the financial stresses having lived thru multiple lay-offs for both hubs and myself. I appreciate your honesty in sharing your fears.

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting Robbie. Neither my husband or I have had to survive layoffs so I feel lucky in that regard. My fears and my anxiety surrounding them seem less scary now that I have released them into the blogosphere.

  5. You are an inspiration. Your words about your inner monologue and your fears are so brave. Im grateful to know you. You ARE enough, and I believe in you! *HUG*

  6. These fears are so validated. I think that we all at some point in our recovery felt this exact same way…like is this it? Is this as good as it gets? It’s an awful awful feeling. I grapple with this every single day. I know that bipolar is lifelong…but I do wonder if my best is my worst…if that makes sense.
    Sigh…I blame Snooki.

    • Oh my sweet Kim, you manage to make my cry and laugh in the same comment. Recovery is so tough because you just know if you’re through it. Is this just a minor, temporary setback or is it a slide back down? I had so much to say, and the stress of not being able to use my blog was making the anxiety worse. I also wonder if my worst is truly the best that I’ll be. I think that we moms who have struggled with mental illness judge ourselves so harshly. We want so much to just be able to be there in the moment that we get so into our heads. We cannot see our way out of the paper bag of our own minds if that makes sense. Xoxo

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