A revelation

Since I haven’t been to confession in years, I figure I will use my blog to make my confession.  I attended Catholic school from kindergarten through my four years of college.  My husband and I were married in a Catholic church, and my girls were both baptized Catholic.  Our girls are in a Lutheran daycare/preschool, so they are receiving some faith based instruction. 

I used to be very involved in our previous parish in music ministry.  I loved to sing for people.  I was the very short cantor who led the congregation with a big smile on her face.  I loved to sing for people even when I thought some of the music choices were boring or lame.  I haven’t gotten involved in our current parish because I had the girls.  I want to cantor again, but I want to let our life settle down a bit more.  I haven’t been to Mass in ages.  We became “Creasters” – only attending Mass on Christmas and Easter. 

I think that my depression and anxiety played a big part in my reluctance to go to Mass.  I just felt so out of control, and I was terrified about how the girls would behave.  I really struggled with the transition from 1 to 2, and I was terrified to nurse at church.  We don’t have a crying room or nursery at our church. 

I was really committed to attending Easter Mass as a family.  Munch wasn’t feeling well, so my husband stayed home with her.  I took Skeeter with me.  We left ridiculously early so that we could have our pick of seats.  I had her walk into church up the stairs so that she would get some exercise.  She was an absolute angel for the entire 90 minutes we were there.  She fell asleep in my arms while I just soaked up the liturgy and the music.

Midway through Mass, I became so emotional.  I realized how important the Church and my faith was to my life.  How could I have been without this soul nourishing music?  I adore the Lenten and Easter traditions of singing certain songs in Latin.  I am committing myself again to attending Mass as a family to let the girls know how important this faith is to me.

I also realized after the woman in the pew behind me whispered how much she treasured when her daughters now teenagers were that small.  I looked at my miracle who is a toddler now, peacefully sleeping in my arms.  She is one of the reasons that I fought so hard to emerge from the cloud of depression.  I realized that I wouldn’t change a thing.  Even though I had PPD and PPA after her birth, I cannot imagine my life without my little Skeeter.  She is so busy and energetic; she loves to explore.  Mass gave me a chance to just hold her and snuggle with her.  This part of her infancy passed by me in a blur of depression and anxiety.  I did not enjoy the baby cuddles.  Now I am enjoying and relishing the closeness that she chooses to share with me.

About tranquilamama

Juggling parenthood, housework and working outside the home in the corporate world with my wonderful husband. Mom to 2 beautiful girls. PPD and PPA survivor. The title of my blog is after a phrase that was repeated to me in Spain during my semester abroad in college. It roughly translates to relax and calm down. Trying to tame my inner perfectionist and just be a good enough mom.
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9 Responses to A revelation

  1. I wish that I was into my faith like I used to be. Having PPD and then turning bipolar I got really angry and turned my back on it. I didn’t go to Easter mass this year. The first one in all 31 years of my life.
    I thought that I would feel guilty about it, but I don’t. Nope.
    And yes, while we missed out on their infancy, there is so much time left to watch them grow. So so much time. xoxo

    • Thank you for reading Kim. There is so much time to cherish those snuggles and hugs. I teared up in Church just watching her sleep in my lap and not needing to be anywhere else. It was great to be present in that moment.

  2. librajenn says:

    What a beautiful moment to capture. Thanks for sharing, and know you are in my thoughts❤

  3. I’m really trying to break down the wall that I put between me and God since having PPD. Like Kim, we didn’t go to church this Easter either and haven’t been to church in…I don’t even remember how many months. I find it so hard to get myself there. I’m so glad for you that you got there and enjoyed that moment with Skeeter.🙂

  4. mammacockatoo says:

    So beautiful. I’m so glad you were able to be there and experience that precious time – and to have your soul nourished and refreshed.

    I think the first Easter I ever missed was last year. In the months of PPD and anxiety/OCD/agoraphobia this time around, I missed a lot of Masses. This year, I wanted to try to attend the Triduum ceremonies, but had to settle for confession and the Easter Vigil. Still, it was huge. Our second child is receiving the Sacraments this year, and I know I have to show him it means something to me. I’m still working on the ability to just be still and present in the moment, but I understand totally what you mean about feeling something missing. I also understand the musical part, as I used to be a lot more involved that way when I was younger.

    • I love attending the Triduum ceremonies, but it is challenging to attend so many services in one weekend with young children. I hope to continue to attend on a more regular basis.

  5. Pingback: Just Be Enough: My Top 10 | tranquilamama

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