Resurgence of my nemesis anxiety

I felt that choking feeling again.  I could not sit still.  Anxiety had reared its ugly head again.  I looked on in horror as I noticed a hive on my wrist.  I have not broken out in hives from anxiety in over a decade.  I knew that it was time for me to take control.  I sat and breathed through my anxiety and just sat with those feelings.  Once I identify my triggers, then I can focus on finding solutions and reframing my thoughts.

I realized what had triggered my anxiety was my fear over my sweet Skeeter’s health.  It was almost three years to the day that I had driven to the emergency room of Children’s Hospital.  Two days after that trip, our pediatrician admitted her to the hospital for a three-day stay so her urinary tract infection could be treated with IV antibiotics.  This event contributed greatly to my postpartum anxiety. 

Here we were again, at Children’s Urgent Care Clinic on a weekend.  I began beating myself up because I missed the signs again of a urinary tract infection.  Skeeter suffers from VUR (vesicouretal reflux), otherwise known as bladder reflux.  I had taken her to the pediatrician the day before because she just seemed “off”.  When our amazing doctor asked me if she was showing any symptoms of a bladder infection, I said no.  We were checking out her nasal congestion and a lingering, wet cough.  Why did I not push for a simple urine test?  It only takes ten minutes.  I am her mama.  I advocate for her care and well-being.. 

This was the second urinary tract infection within a month.  Skeeter had finished antibiotics only six days earlier.  She also had hives all over her body.  Since I have suffered from hives, I understood how miserable Skeeter felt.  I felt powerless since I could not alleviate her itching.  We did not have any children’s antihistamines in the house.  All we had in our house was a topical ointment that provided temporary relief for her.  I cannot control what I did, but I can control my future actions.  I will advocate for a urine test every time that Skeeter goes to the pediatrician’s office for an illness.  I am also going to advocate for the antibiotic that she was given by her specialist.  That antibiotic seems to have the best success with treating her infections quickly.  I also need to remember that Skeeter is very three.  She can tell me that she does not feel well, but she is unable to articulate very well what hurts.  I need to keep her asking her specific questions to try to isolate what the exact issue is.  Also I need to cut myself some slack.  I cannot be omniscient.  I am doing the best that I can with the information that I have.  I trusted my mama gut, and I took her in the following day.  When I trust my intuition, it does not steer me wrong.

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About tranquilamama

Juggling parenthood, housework and working outside the home in the corporate world with my wonderful husband. Mom to 2 beautiful girls. PPD and PPA survivor. The title of my blog is after a phrase that was repeated to me in Spain during my semester abroad in college. It roughly translates to relax and calm down. Trying to tame my inner perfectionist and just be a good enough mom.
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14 Responses to Resurgence of my nemesis anxiety

  1. it’s so hard, isn’t it? when they’re so little, and they can’t tell us exactly what IT is? and no, we mamas can’t be omniscient, but we do have instincts. and we need to trust them more often. I am merely a hypocrite if I tell you to be kinder to yourself— you are only human. You are only one person. Maybe we can both remind one another… to cut ourselves some slack? I know I need to try and do that. Instead I’m very guilty of blaming myself, finding all kinds of faults. I am here with you, with this anxiety. It’s not fun. I don’t get hives, but…I know that choking feeling you describe.

    hugs, mama.
    xo

    • Thank you so much, Erin. Huge hugs right back at you. Yes, permission to cut ourselves some slack. It is so hard to listen to that voice in my mind and second guess myself. I am trying very hard to tell that voice to shove it.

  2. Jaime says:

    I was so happy when I got to the end of this post & saw that you wrote that you need to cut yourself some slack. I was about to text you & tell you this myself! You are an amazing momma.

  3. Kristin says:

    I’m so glad that you said you need to cut yourself some slack. Being in this situation with a sick child myself, I often put too much pressure on myself to be omniscient. You’re so right-we do what we can, but we can’t know it all. Sending much love and hugs your way, and praying for Skeeter’s health.

    • Thank you so much Kristin. We can only do what we can based on what we know. She is doing well. Now I am focusing with her preschool teachers bathroom hygiene and going to the bathroom every two hours, so she doesn’t hold it. I hope that our trip to the clinic in March will help us continue to build on what we are already teaching her.

  4. story3girl says:

    You are a great mama. Three is so hard. Why can’t they just tell us what’s wrong?? You are doing everything right. I promise.

    • I know, right? I am trying to work with her so that she understands she is more prone to bladder infections than the regular child because of her reflux. That is a hard concept for any child to grasp, let alone a three year old. I have to just keep swimming.

  5. Jessica says:

    You are doing awesome mamita. I pray that skeeter heels quickly

  6. Jean says:

    My daughter is going through some health issues right now and I’m trying to walk that balance between recognizing what is/isn’t wrong with her to bring to the doctor’s attention and curbing my anxiety over it so she isn’t overtested. You are so right to say being kind to oneself is key.

  7. Big hugs. That’s scary. Be gentle with yourself – your love for your Skeeter shines through SO brightly. You’re a wonderful Mama.

    • Thank you. I’m feeling optimistic about her next appointment at our local Children’s Hospital. We are going to use a child life specialist during her ultrasound to help minimize her anxiety and mine as well. I know her specialist at the urology clinic can help us brainstorm some ideas to help her remember to let us know when she doesn’t feel good.

  8. Leighann says:

    poor thing. We do the best that we can as parents. I hope she’s feeling better soon.

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